Handling Pet Loss with Children
Ask most adults about their childhood pets and they most likely will tell you a loving story about how much their pets meant to them and the experiences they shared with them.
Pets can play a very important part in a child’s life, teaching them about friendship, unconditional love, communication, and responsibility. Perhaps the most common loss that a child first experiences is the loss of a beloved pet. Therefore, how parents help a child through this loss may affect the way they deal with other losses during their lives. Parents may often feel that they are protecting their children by not letting them see them cry or grieve, however, nothing can be further from the truth. Seeing a parent express their grief in a healthy way over the loss of a beloved pet can provide children with a good example for expressing their own grief.
Additionally, finding ways that are age-appropriate for the children to be involved in decisions regarding the end of life for their beloved pets can help them in coping with the loss
While paying attention to the age of the child is important in helping them deal with a loss, equally important is realizing that there are no hard and fast rules that apply to every child. A child in each age range may be more mature or immature than their peers at that age and this needs to be considered when helping them heal. It is key to pay attention to how each child is reacting. Listening to what they are asking/saying about the loss of their pet will help to guide them in their healing process
Below are some general guidelines for helping children of different age ranges cope with the loss of a beloved pet.
1-3 years of age – Children at this age often have no concept of death or its permanence. However, if a child is old enough to love, they are old enough to feel a loss. Children will often feel the stress and sadness in the household.
It may be enough to say the pet died and then let the child lead the way in their comments and questions. Some parents choose this experience to teach them about religious views (God and Heaven). Chances are good that parents will have to broach the subject of the death of the pet many times since children at this age often don’t understand the permeance of death and may continue to ask why their pets are not there. Young children often respond to how the parents and others in the home are reacting to the loss
4-6 years of age – Children in this age range may have a simple understanding of death but not the permeance of it. Parents may notice changes in their children’s eating/ sleeping/bathroom behaviors because of the loss. Additionally, children at this age may believe that something they did, said, or felt regarding the pet caused the death. It’s important to continually reassure the children that their behaviors or thoughts had nothing to do with the pet’s passing.
What’s key is to avoid using the term “put to sleep” when talking about euthanasia. Children at this age often take things literally and may misinterpret this or become afraid of going to sleep at night. Using terms such as “the veterinarian let him/ her pass gently and painlessly” and then letting the child direct the conversation on how much they need to know can be easier for the child to handle. Finding creative ways of expression can be very helpful in letting the children convey their grief. If the child shows an interest, let them be involved in aftercare decisions or memorials.
7-10 years of age – Children at this age have a better sense of what death is and its permanence, although some on the younger side of the age range may need reassurance that nothing they did caused their pet to die. These children may exhibit an almost morbid curiosity regarding the loss.
If a child is old enough to love, they are old enough to feel a loss. and it’s best for parents to answer their questions honestly, keeping in mind what their child may or may not be able to handle. These children may also worry that those closest to them will die so it’s important to reassure them and let them know that the family unit is fine.
Manifestations of grief may include anti-social, aggression or school problems as well as a withdrawal or clinginess behavior. By understanding that these behaviors may be related to the death, especially if they show up close to the timing of the loss, parents will be better able to help their children at this time.
11-12 years of age – Children at this age range generally understand death and may have experienced a loss prior to this. They often take cues from their parents or siblings in terms of reacting to a loss. Providing outlets for these children such as books on pet loss or planning a memorial helps them to understand and work through their loss. These children often take cues from their parents in terms of reacting to a loss.
Teens and Adolescents – Children at this age range are at a period where they are trying to find their own identity and understand their feelings. Their emotions may vary from what seems like a lack of emotion regarding the loss to being highly emotional. At times they may want to be treated like adults and at other times they may need the reassurance that would be given to a younger child. Understanding and not reacting to mood swings will help create a stable environment and can help them process the loss.
Their peer groups are also very important to them and they may take their cues toward grieving from friends and peers.
Allowing these children to be a part of the decision-making process when it comes to end-of-life decisions may help them in their healing process.
A Special Note – Often neglected in the writing of pet loss and children are the older teens and young adults, yet this loss can be a very impactful time for this group. The loss of a childhood pet for an older teen/young adult can be difficult because the pet may have been a large part of their childhood, someone who saw them through a lot and was a trusted confidant. Added to this is that there may be guilt involved if the older teen/young adult is away at college or even married and can’t be there at the end of life for their beloved pet. Allowing them to be involved in as many decisions as possible, even if they are away, and letting them be involved in memorializing their pet will help their healing process.
Whatever the age of the child, the key is to watch, listen and respond to their needs. Honoring this time and letting them know that death/loss is a part of life, as is healing, will help this them prepare in a healthy way for other losses in the future.
If you have questions or for more information, contact Dr. Grossman at
Sandra Grossman, Ph.D.